It's been 3 months and 17 days, and I still miss you.
Life does go on, we laugh, we spend time with people, we travel, we work to distract our minds, but nothing changes the fact that you have gone too soon and we miss you every single day.
It's 6 am and I have not slept, spending most of the night thinking about you. It's crazy how much I'd replay all the funny, sad, angry, all the little and big moments we have spent together in my head.
It was all too sudden, no symptoms, no warning. I wished I could've spent the night earlier talking to you at the living room. I wish I could have known earlier that there isn't going to be a "tomorrow night" for you, and I wish I could've dragged myself down from the third floor when you called for me, just so I could listen to what happened to your day, and tell you about my day like you would always so patiently want to hear about. I wish I could've skipped work the day you left and went to work with you instead. I wish and I wish, so much so that I could've done something differently..
But nothing could've been done differently because who would have known? Who would have known. And I am slowly learning to accept that.
People ask me all the time, even since only a week after you have left us.. They ask me, "Do you still think about it?", "You're alright yeah"? I guess those people just don't understand how you don't just automatically stop thinking about it, and you'll not stop being sad when thinking about how they have lost someone they have loved dearly. They just don't understand, and I get it.
You are more than a father to me, you are my role model, and I guess you only know the true value of something or someone after you have lost them..
I have not met someone more hardworking than you are. Some of your ways and thoughts may be more traditional, slower, but that doesn't stop you from overcoming those weaknesses by going an extra mile to work harder than other people. You grew up in a tough era, you lost your father as a child, and with so many younger siblings and family to take care of, everyone worked hard. I remembered how you tell me the story that you will sell candies as a child and would cleverly sell them to couples at a higher price because you knew that the guys were willing to fork out more money in front of their ladies at that time. And the first 100 rupiah you made at that time, you spent it on your first pair of leather shoes.. And those leather shoes lasted you many many years. As a young man, you travelled on business trips back and forth, back and forth the countries, working hard on your business through the nights, just so your family could do better. And after you start to earn more money and business is on track, you started a new family and there came us. You've grown up knowing what it's like to always fear having nothing, so you always want the best for us, and you've never failed to provide. But you have taught us well, and because we look at how you treat money, we never ask you for more. Yes, I know you are not afraid to spend but most importantly you are not wasteful, and that was a very good virtue. Of course you spend on luxuries, rewarding yourself and us with what you earn, but just enough because you feel that status is not justified based on whether you only spend on luxuries or not.
I love how you are normally very strict and stern, but for us, you were willing to take pictures with your goofiest face, sticking out your tongue, squinting your eyes, pouting your lips, grinning cheek to cheek.. You never cried but you cried during our graduations. I knew that that was just how much you loved us.
The last time we fought is still clearly imprinted in my mind. It was almost two years ago. There was no one else at home and after dinner, we had a heated discussion, and you thought that I felt like I knew everything, and I felt like I was misunderstood. So I ran to my room and slammed the door really loudly. And my heart sank loudly with that same thud the door closed. And I cried. I thought over and over again if I should apologise. And in the end I did. I remember going down to your room and I apologised with tears in my eyes for being so unthoughtful, and there, you just hugged me and stroked my head telling me that it's okay.. And I'm thankful to this day the decision I made that night.
You are not good with words, but you show us that you are a man of action. You have been the kindest. I've seen you helped families, friends, people in need, without asking for any rewards, never asking for any in return. You do it quietly but we see it. So it was the most heartwarming to me knowing that when you left us, everyone who knew you personally would tell me short stories about you, funny stories about you, and never leaving out that you were a very kind man, and that God chose to take you away without pain.
I miss you daddy, I promise I'll live life to the fullest and make you proud.
Love,
forever you little girl
Life does go on, we laugh, we spend time with people, we travel, we work to distract our minds, but nothing changes the fact that you have gone too soon and we miss you every single day.
It's 6 am and I have not slept, spending most of the night thinking about you. It's crazy how much I'd replay all the funny, sad, angry, all the little and big moments we have spent together in my head.
It was all too sudden, no symptoms, no warning. I wished I could've spent the night earlier talking to you at the living room. I wish I could have known earlier that there isn't going to be a "tomorrow night" for you, and I wish I could've dragged myself down from the third floor when you called for me, just so I could listen to what happened to your day, and tell you about my day like you would always so patiently want to hear about. I wish I could've skipped work the day you left and went to work with you instead. I wish and I wish, so much so that I could've done something differently..
But nothing could've been done differently because who would have known? Who would have known. And I am slowly learning to accept that.
People ask me all the time, even since only a week after you have left us.. They ask me, "Do you still think about it?", "You're alright yeah"? I guess those people just don't understand how you don't just automatically stop thinking about it, and you'll not stop being sad when thinking about how they have lost someone they have loved dearly. They just don't understand, and I get it.
You are more than a father to me, you are my role model, and I guess you only know the true value of something or someone after you have lost them..
I have not met someone more hardworking than you are. Some of your ways and thoughts may be more traditional, slower, but that doesn't stop you from overcoming those weaknesses by going an extra mile to work harder than other people. You grew up in a tough era, you lost your father as a child, and with so many younger siblings and family to take care of, everyone worked hard. I remembered how you tell me the story that you will sell candies as a child and would cleverly sell them to couples at a higher price because you knew that the guys were willing to fork out more money in front of their ladies at that time. And the first 100 rupiah you made at that time, you spent it on your first pair of leather shoes.. And those leather shoes lasted you many many years. As a young man, you travelled on business trips back and forth, back and forth the countries, working hard on your business through the nights, just so your family could do better. And after you start to earn more money and business is on track, you started a new family and there came us. You've grown up knowing what it's like to always fear having nothing, so you always want the best for us, and you've never failed to provide. But you have taught us well, and because we look at how you treat money, we never ask you for more. Yes, I know you are not afraid to spend but most importantly you are not wasteful, and that was a very good virtue. Of course you spend on luxuries, rewarding yourself and us with what you earn, but just enough because you feel that status is not justified based on whether you only spend on luxuries or not.
The last time we fought is still clearly imprinted in my mind. It was almost two years ago. There was no one else at home and after dinner, we had a heated discussion, and you thought that I felt like I knew everything, and I felt like I was misunderstood. So I ran to my room and slammed the door really loudly. And my heart sank loudly with that same thud the door closed. And I cried. I thought over and over again if I should apologise. And in the end I did. I remember going down to your room and I apologised with tears in my eyes for being so unthoughtful, and there, you just hugged me and stroked my head telling me that it's okay.. And I'm thankful to this day the decision I made that night.
You are not good with words, but you show us that you are a man of action. You have been the kindest. I've seen you helped families, friends, people in need, without asking for any rewards, never asking for any in return. You do it quietly but we see it. So it was the most heartwarming to me knowing that when you left us, everyone who knew you personally would tell me short stories about you, funny stories about you, and never leaving out that you were a very kind man, and that God chose to take you away without pain.
I miss you daddy, I promise I'll live life to the fullest and make you proud.
Love,
forever you little girl
