Tonight, when I visited my cousin's place, something struck me hard. My nephew whom was only a month old when I last carried and cuddled in my arms, can now stand. What??
Baby H, whom I remembered that I just celebrated her first birthday with, can now dance to "Let it go" and make small talks to me while giving me big bear hugs. And baby L, who was just this adorable, talkative little toddler, always asking "aunty, itu kenapa toh?" to anything and everything, will be in her primary school next year. I almost broke down. Nothing hurts you more than a knock on the face by reality, asking you what had been so "important" in your life that you have missed out on almost every other important milestones in life.
Rewind.
So many things have been running through my mind these days as I adjust to a familiar, yet almost peculiar and "unfriendly" surrounding. Then, my own shadow slapped me in the face. I haven't been properly at home for more than two years now, and over these two years, so many things have changed. I have been trying my very best to not let these thoughts engulf and swallow me whole as I stand in this stage of life where I try to figure myself out. My ambitions. My goals. My purpose. I used to have all of them half a year ago. Where are they now? I was frustrated, even if I completely understand that figuring all of these out wouldn't be an easy task. It is a journey involving decisions, decisions, and decisions which will in turn mold and shape me to be the person I will finally be. But even though these decisions should come progressively, oftentimes, the conditions that you are placed in forces you to make them fast. "Quick! Decide what your first job will be!" "Hurry! Decide your dreams!" "Decide this!" "Decide that!". Sometimes, I almost forget that I am only 19. Sometimes, all I want to do is to take a break and run away from reality. Forever. But sometimes, I am also reminded that all of these are just excuses. The problems aren't going to solve themselves, and I have to grow up, not because everyone else around me is, but because I want to grow up. I crave for maturity, and I yearn for insightful opinions and point of views. It has always been something that stood by me since a very young age, and I've recently lost. I admit that I have been in denial for the past two months. I confess that a part of me has secretly given up on all of my different dreams, big or small - and something even more terrifying, my ambitions and goals which I have set to achieve by the age of a quarter century.
So many things have been running through my mind these days as I adjust to a familiar, yet almost peculiar and "unfriendly" surrounding. Then, my own shadow slapped me in the face. I haven't been properly at home for more than two years now, and over these two years, so many things have changed. I have been trying my very best to not let these thoughts engulf and swallow me whole as I stand in this stage of life where I try to figure myself out. My ambitions. My goals. My purpose. I used to have all of them half a year ago. Where are they now? I was frustrated, even if I completely understand that figuring all of these out wouldn't be an easy task. It is a journey involving decisions, decisions, and decisions which will in turn mold and shape me to be the person I will finally be. But even though these decisions should come progressively, oftentimes, the conditions that you are placed in forces you to make them fast. "Quick! Decide what your first job will be!" "Hurry! Decide your dreams!" "Decide this!" "Decide that!". Sometimes, I almost forget that I am only 19. Sometimes, all I want to do is to take a break and run away from reality. Forever. But sometimes, I am also reminded that all of these are just excuses. The problems aren't going to solve themselves, and I have to grow up, not because everyone else around me is, but because I want to grow up. I crave for maturity, and I yearn for insightful opinions and point of views. It has always been something that stood by me since a very young age, and I've recently lost. I admit that I have been in denial for the past two months. I confess that a part of me has secretly given up on all of my different dreams, big or small - and something even more terrifying, my ambitions and goals which I have set to achieve by the age of a quarter century.
Pause.
Being back at Jakarta for the past few days have definitely put my life on a temporary "pause mode". Even though that life back here continues to move fast-paced, in my case, even faster in my sense of responsibility and maturity, I have to admit that it is great to be able to see life outside the usual, almost lacklustre cycles. Trust me. Being able to pause and take a step back to pan across the room is a scary, yet incredibly awesome feeling. It definitely helps you to pick yourself up. I suggest anyone who is feeling lost to take a short break from your daily routine. It will help.
Being back at Jakarta for the past few days have definitely put my life on a temporary "pause mode". Even though that life back here continues to move fast-paced, in my case, even faster in my sense of responsibility and maturity, I have to admit that it is great to be able to see life outside the usual, almost lacklustre cycles. Trust me. Being able to pause and take a step back to pan across the room is a scary, yet incredibly awesome feeling. It definitely helps you to pick yourself up. I suggest anyone who is feeling lost to take a short break from your daily routine. It will help.
Move forward.
Here is my blogpost dedicated to anyone who finds themselves losing their purpose in life. I understand you. In fact, when we feel like we are battling that sense of insecurity all alone, many other people are too. Losing direction and the purpose in life sucks. It's like losing the control of the steering wheel in the vehicle of life. It makes you lose your self confidence, and you will find yourself feeling insecure for the silliest things. It was only yesterday when an incident (not ambitions, purpose or goal related) made my heart sunk due to my insecurity and lack of confidence. I was even almost certain that I was depressed for an hour over something that wasn't even supposed to be important. And it was today when I realized that I should have done better, and I can be better. Readjusting and recharging yourself before another run in the marathon of life is always necessary, and I'm glad I did. And I am definitely putting myself on the right start by granting myself the realization of one of my goals, by starting to blog again. From here on, I'll be more certain with the ambitions, dreams and purposes of a younger Cindy that an older Cindy have almost buried. I hope that everything else will put themselves back on the right track after this pitch stop, and continue moving forward.
Here is my blogpost dedicated to anyone who finds themselves losing their purpose in life. I understand you. In fact, when we feel like we are battling that sense of insecurity all alone, many other people are too. Losing direction and the purpose in life sucks. It's like losing the control of the steering wheel in the vehicle of life. It makes you lose your self confidence, and you will find yourself feeling insecure for the silliest things. It was only yesterday when an incident (not ambitions, purpose or goal related) made my heart sunk due to my insecurity and lack of confidence. I was even almost certain that I was depressed for an hour over something that wasn't even supposed to be important. And it was today when I realized that I should have done better, and I can be better. Readjusting and recharging yourself before another run in the marathon of life is always necessary, and I'm glad I did. And I am definitely putting myself on the right start by granting myself the realization of one of my goals, by starting to blog again. From here on, I'll be more certain with the ambitions, dreams and purposes of a younger Cindy that an older Cindy have almost buried. I hope that everything else will put themselves back on the right track after this pitch stop, and continue moving forward.
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